Susan (names have been changed to protect the guilty) came to coaching really clear about what she didn’t want. “I don’t want to live like this anymore! I hate constantly running from morning until night, doing everything for everybody but myself. I am tired of feeling under the gun all the time and don’t like the way I snap at Ron and the kids. I am getting fat eating drive through food and never have time to go to the gym. I’ve had enough and I’m ready to make a big change!” When I asked Susan what she wanted for herself, she paused as if stunned by the question, took a deep breath and repeated the litany of what she didn’t want. Susan had gone for so long focused on what she didn’t want that she had lost sight of what she wanted.

Let’s think about this in another context. Would you consider building a new house or implementing an important project at work without first being clear about what you wanted? If you spent your energy focused on what was wrong with your current house or just had a vague idea of your project’s desired end result, what do you think you would end up with? Probably another decade of hating your old house and a late, over-budget project that didn’t get very far.

Your brain, the efficient machine that it is, works very hard to give you more of what you focus on. It assumes that since you are putting so much energy into thinking about something, you must want more of it. It also, quite literally, does not recognize a negative state (try closing your eyes and not think about an elephant). Have you ever noticed that when you focus on reducing your weight, you eventually get more of it. When you focus on your bills, they tend to increase. Alternately, when you stay focused on a clear goal, you usually achieve it. The trick here is to focus on what you want, not on what you don’t.

After following the steps below, Susan was able to get clear on what she wanted, focus on what she could control, then take the actions that changed her life experience. Most people can create what they want when they know what they want. Ready to create what you want?

1. Move your energy and attention from not liking what you have to focusing on what you want. This especially includes energy spent placing blame on others for preventing you from getting what you want. Take full ownership of your outcome.
2. Be specific. Take your time and answer each of these questions in as much detail as you can:
   When do you want it? How do you want it? Where do you want it? With whom do you want it? How will you know when you get it? How will you look, feel, sound when you have it? What will others see when you have it? If you find this difficult, break your outcome down into smaller components and try again.
3. Design your outcome so that it is within your control. As in Susan’s case above, she had to focus on the pieces of her situation that she could do something about (time management, delegation, saying no, setting boundaries), rather than wasting her energy on what she had no control over (demanding boss, challenging customer, budget reductions).
4. Think through the positive and negative impacts of getting what you want. What will you gain? What will you lose? What will happen if you do get it? What will happen if you don’t? This helps clarify your outcome even further and identifies internal and external barriers. For example, Susan realized she didn’t want part of what she thought she wanted – her husband taking over soccer transport – because that was her main quality time with her son during the week.
5. Use the power of positive language to start you down the path of getting what you want. Instead of “I want more free time”, say “I am creating more free time in my schedule”. Instead of “I want to exercise more”, say “I am exercising more”. Instead of “I want to save money”, say “I am putting money into savings every week”. Your brain, which hates incongruence, will then work hard to support you in making it come true.