Transitions for life, People in Motion


Mirror, Mirror – finding your dark side in others


We all have our dark side, that part of us that houses our childish, negative, shameful selves. This part of our “shadow self” lies hidden under the surface but has a huge impact on everyday life. It often comes out to play by seeing and projecting itself onto others. Many times this projection of what we think we see isn’t real but the impact of it is. Here is a real world example of how this works: Charles frequently felt judged in his role as a roving systems specialist assigned to critical projects. “Every time I start working with a new group, I can feel their negative perceptions before they have even seen me work. I know that they think I don’t have what it takes to get the job done. I feel like I am fighting this uphill battle to prove that I am competent”. During his coaching session, Charles realized that he was being very judgmental himself when he joined a new group. “This team had to bring me on board because they couldn’t get the job done themselves. If they were really good at their job, they wouldn’t need me”. The next time he started a new assignment, Charles worked to postpone his pre-judgment and instead looked for the top, unique competency of each team member. To his amazement, his feeling of being judged disappeared. Charles, for the first time ever, was able to feel truly welcomed and appreciated by the team. He realized that he probably always was, he just couldn't look past his own judgement to see it. A personal perspective: Mirror, Mirror is one of my favorite challenges to coach on, mainly because of the rapid shifts that often occur once clients see and understand what is going on. One effective way to discover your dark side is to notice what irritates you most about someone else. The stronger the feeling, the more it is worth looking at. Here is a another example that I found in my own mirror. I didn’t respect very assertive people. I hated being around them, even if they were twenty feet away making their point with someone else. I would get angry and embarrassed when a dinner partner complained about their meal. "How rude and unfeeling! What are they trying to prove?!" When I gathered the courage to look in my inner mirror, I discovered that I really wanted to be more assertive myself but didn’t feel I could, so I got fed up with the assertive people instead of getting fed up with myself and dealing with it. Once I saw my true self in the mirror, I never looked at assertive people in the same negative way again. They became my role models and teachers for changing that part of myself.		"It's hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head." ~ Sally Kempton

Tips for mirror gazing:


Ask yourself these discovery questions: Who is really rubbing you the wrong way? What is it about them that you don’t like? Do you feel this same way about any other people in your life? Is there an “irritation trend”? I don’t like people who are ___________________ I feel _(angry, disappointed, irritated) __________________ because ____________________ Now explore a bit deeper: What do you want these people to do differently? I need (name) to __________________________ I need (name) to stop _______________________ Apply these same statements to yourself I need to _________________________ I need to stop ________________________ Do they ring true for you at some deeper level that is hard to admit? If so, you have discovered a possible shadow part of yourself to explore. Congratulations! Awareness is 80% of the change process for mirror gazing. Once seen, it can’t hide anymore. Make a point to observe yourself as you react to this situation in the future. Consciously create some alternative actions and reactions for yourself, similar to what Charles did to change his shadow of judgment. By shining the light on your shadow side, you can see yourself and others in a whole new way!		"Denial is pushing something out of your awareness. Anything you hide in the basement has a way of burrowing under the house and showing up on the front lawn." ~ Howard Sasportas

Resources


Get insights from Gary Zukav: How To Stop Judging Others For an interesting exercise to work through personal judgment, download the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet		Are you ready for more? Get a coach!