Transitions for life, People in Motion


Dog Training 101 - Teaching others how to treat you


My husband, Don, and I raise a guide dog puppy every year for Southeastern Guide Dogs. This is a fun and rewarding experience that has opened our lives in a whole new way. We have learned an entirely new meaning for patience, since puppies don't like to be rushed through the mall and every patron there has a dog story to share with us us. We have also learned that you can teach a dog just about anything if you are clear about what you want and consistent in your expectations. We are particularly clear about where the bathroom is (having a new puppy every year does things to home decor that we won't discuss here) and which food dish is theirs and which food dish is ours. Early on, each puppy figures out that different people have different rules: Mom allows licking but Dad doesn't; Aunt Cindy is a sucker for puppy eyes and pets us even when we are working; Always mind your manners at Aunt Meg's house, or else; Kids let you get away with anything but tend to fall over if you get too enthusiastic. Although it may be an arguable point for some, people are generally smarter than dogs. They also learn early that different people have different rules (Dad buys suckers in the checkout aisle and Mom doesn't). As we get older, this adaptation to behavior expectations becomes more subtle but applies to every person we come into contact with. We pick up on small signals for what people will accept and expect from us. We learn quickly that the new boss expects punctuality, that co-worker Sam doesn't like to be interrupted and that Jane the neighbor is always willing to help out at a moment's notice. We naturally adapt our behavior, to varying degrees, in alignment with how people have taught us to treat them. What we often don't realize is that besides learning and adapting how we treat others, we are also teaching others how to treat us. Sometimes how we want to be treated and how we teach people to treat us can get out of sync. If you don't listen until your kids raise their voice, you are teaching them to yell at you. If you rarely say no a co-worker's overflow, you are teaching them that it is okay to dump it on you. If you don't speak up when a friend constantly gossips or complains, you are encouraging them to use you as a sounding board for their gripes. If you always accept being volunteered, you let people know that it is okay to volunteer you. How are you teaching people to treat you? If you find yourself frequently feeling taken advantage of, ignored or mistreated, stop the silent fuming for one moment and consider what role you might have played in supporting or encouraging their behavior. By taking full responsibility for your role in their training, you just might teach those old dogs some new tricks!		"I hear, I know. I see, I remember. I do, I understand." ~ Confucius

Tips for retraining:


Examine areas or relationships in your life where resentment has built up, particularly around situations where you feel unfairly treated by those you know well. Put aside any assumptions that this person/people "should know better" or that they know how you feel about the situation. They probably don't. Ask yourself why you have allowed this situation to develop and how you might have supported their behavior towards you. Is there something you are getting from the current situation (appreciation, martyrdom) or something you are afraid of (conflict, being perceived poorly)? Determine what retraining or new expectation needs to be set and write down what you need to say. "I need to ask that you check with me before volunteering my time/brownies/tools." "I don't mind helping you out occasionally but I need to focus on my own work." When possible, plan to have these conversations when you are prepared, rather than having to respond in the moment. You'll be less likely to fall into old training patterns. It may take more than once to get the message across, so be persistent and consistent. They say a puppy requires as many as 100 repetitions for to break an old habit. Fortunately most people won't require this much persistence!

Resources


For more on teaching others to respect your limits, check out this boundaries worksheet or read this online article. The top author on boundaries at home and in the workplace is best-selling Christian author, Henry Cloud. Want to learn more about our enlightening experiences with guide dog puppies? Read our monthly newsletter, Puppy Tales.		Are you ready for more? Get a coach!